Monday 29 March 2004

Monday Monday

The weekend ended up being rather fraught, lots of discussion and debate and emotions getting in the way of the whole decision making process:  WHICH JOB?

Tux is not the indecisive type; neither am I for that matter, quite the opposite.  Not impulsive by any stretch of the imagination but able to weigh up pros and cons and reach a decision with the minimum of dithering (its only a couple of entries since I expressed by frustration at the PUMS' dithering). 

So, pros and cons.  We listed all in a methodical manner, right down to attractiveness of place of work and demographic of staff on-site.  I went through both HR policies and handbooks with a fine-toothed comb and drew up pluses and minuses from those - nice to know that my HR knowledge and experience at job-taking and -leaving came in handy somehow!  The fact that so far all we had were pluses was an added difficulty. 

Then we busted out 3xc3l and did some number crunching.  Wow that was fun.  Figuring out taxation and the comparative breaks and levels.  Looking at the effect on my pension and pharmaceutical and health benefits.  Compare and contrast cost of training vs salary differences vs taxation vs pharmaceutical loss/gains vs ... Our heads were totally done in and spinning a la Exorcist by the time we were done.  It was an invaluable exercise though, definitely required and quite illuminating.  Just Not Fun.

Saturday night we took a break and headed out to a yummy Pub/Fish Cafe for dinner to celebrate (Friday night we'd simply been too trashed to do anything) - divine grilled dhufish and chips for me, a massive seafood platter for Tuxedo, a bottle of cheap bubbly (a slightly dissonant note), and Irish coffees to finish.  We were both very happy, thinking of him working, both of us earning, thus able to save and afford to buy things, and get our own place within months.  Aaaaahhh ... the relief.  We walked home along the river and it was the most beautiful night, clear and quiet with the river lapping peacefully against its banks and nocturnal creatures rustling in the bush; one of those evenings out that is really very basic but becomes extra-special.

Sunday: a little more discussion this time sending the decision one way.  The Decider: further information regarding my pension ie how much he/we earn before I lose it and whether this would, in fact, be worth it.  So this morning I called C3ntre3link and found out the relevant facts and based on that, Tuxedo decided which job to take - the one with company previously and hereby referred to as Dot!Matrix.  Yes I will lose my pension and pharmaceutical benefits but no biggie; he'll be in a fantastically well paid, interesting, high-level IT job with lots of extra benefits and prospects.  YAY FOR TUXEDO!

Even bigger YAYs FOR TUXEDO! were called for when he informed both companies of his decision; Dot!Matrix is thrilled to have him on board, Pixel8 was disappointed of course but mostly thrilled he even considered their offer, considering certain undeniable and insoluble salary discrepancies, and told him to keep in touch and that if he ever changed his mind, or things didn't work out, or even just further down the track, to let them know and they would employ him immediately.  WOW.  In this day and market that is pretty amazing stuff to hear, and I have no doubts they mean it; the week and decision-making process may have been incredibly draining (for the boy, mostly, of course, but one does feel the fatigue and angst that the Other feels) but it was worth it in terms of gains - contacts, networking, possibilities.  Amazingly good stuff, all of it.

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Reaction was bound to set in of course; its been an insane week, after several very long months of playing the waiting game, feeling horribly unsettled and having occasional downers (mostly me).  At the moment we're feeling stunned, the brief happy-happy of Saturday night has faded and we/re both exceedingly vague; I wouldn't be at all surprised to hear that suffering from emotional and sensory and mental overload was the official diagnosis. 

Added to which, we're having major problems with the PUMS.  Over the last months the situation has become more and more sticky; they are endlessly nagging, nitpicking, criticising, making judgmental comments ... I swore a fortnight ago that I would not rant any longer; yes indeed everyone needs to vent but it was hurting too much.  Today, this is how I am feeling. 

I hate.

I hate that I will probably regret writing this, and may well pull it, but I need to get write it all out, get it out of my system.

I hate that I am feeling so churned up; frustrated, boiling with fury, full of loathing and disgust and betrayal, wanting to lash out and cause harm, primarily unbelievably, crushingly sad.

I hate feeling this level of emotion - some of it sheer hatred - toward someone I really do love, someone to whom I am related, someone who is supposed to be on my side, goddammit.

I hate not having the faintest idea how to cope.

I hate knowing that there is no way to cope; that there is no solution, no discussion to have, nothing I can say or do, that will make this better.

I hate that I have to accept this is the way things are, whilst I rage that there is no way in hell things should be this way.

I hate feeling so raw and exposed and stripped.

I hate hating.

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