Something that has really been intriguing me lately is the following question:  If life in general is so crap - what with neither Tuxedo nor I having any work, no income, not having our own place thus feeling unsettled and disoriented, missing our own home comforts (from cookware to furniture) and way of living, plus added chronic bleughs like my health issues, and all the attendant financial worries and emotional stresses and woes and frustrations that come attached to such a list -

(pause for deep breath)

- how come I am/we are so fecking happy?

Oh I'm not saying we don't have our moments of feeling down, and unhappy, and frustrated as hell.  We do, and they're pretty bad moments.  But moments is what they are - fleeting, transitory, passed over, soon forgotten.  We sit/lie there for up to half an hour, chewing the fat, swearing a little, then gradually start cheering up the other up, getting the issues back into some sort of perspective, paying each other compliments ("you're so brave and determined", "no you're so brave and determined") and end up giggling and rolling about as per usual.

So we're happy as can be.  Being together is just the best thing either of us can imagine; that we got so lucky as to even meet each other, let alone have things work out the way they did, and to have such a successful relationship is beyond belief, practically leaves me feeling wide-eyed with wonder.

And we love being married - well I sure do and I know he feels the same ... married is the best thing ever.  This has come as a bit of a surprise to me; oh yes I wanted to get married, for all the right, adult, well-informed reasons (as well as the mushy romantic ones) but I didn't think it would make such an enormous difference - to how I feel, to how I am able to open up and trust and feel secure ... and not have "secure" feel like a dirty word, you know what I mean? 

People talk about "security", and the need for it, like it was something shameful; I should know, I was one of them.  But this kind of security is the best thing ever; knowing that you are committed totally to this one person for life, no matter what, and they are committed to you, and that's that.  I guess what reads like being trapped for someome else, is a blissful freedom for me.

And how can I express the pure unadulterated joy (and yes yes of course, plenty of good ol' Anglo Saxon lust mmm) at being with this man; at our being together?  Its too much sometimes, there just aren't words to say it ... well, unless you happen to be John Donne or somebody.  There's just this wave of absolute glee, almost, the sort of happiness you maybe knew as a kid on Christmas morning.  Glee and excitement and wriggling pleasure.  Because, you see, I'm loved wanted needed respected and yes by miscellaneous pagan gods is it ever mutual. 

unused to experiencing that ... distrustful, can it be real, can it last

Maybe more than mutual, sometimes I wonder of course being more wordy than Tux but I do KNOW, really truly, that ...

and not wanting to be girly "do you really really really love me" all the time, am having to force myself to learn it.  Live it.  (cognitive therapy - learning new ways of thinking, new paths of thought to take rather than the old)

IT WILL

we have the POW-aaah.