Wednesday 30 May 2001

Oh no I've said too much ...

Haven't said enough

REM, 'Losing My Religion'

Story of my life, really. Henry told me today that I'm Secretive Girl, and its true I keep stuff to myself. Not out of any malicious or weird psychotic or even plain stand-offish intent. I've pretty much always been like that, not wanting people, even (especially?) those close to me to know what's going on. Either because it was too awful, or too good to be true (which in fact usually turned out to be the case...). Because I didn't want anyone, anyone, to know who I really was. Okay, now that sounds psycho. 

Whatever my reasons, I don't say much, which means my entries here are pretty cryptic, and I apologise ...  

So here's where I come clean, about recent events, just to begin with. In brief, you understand. I think one of the reasons I don't talk about "stuff" is that I have this fear, that once I start I won't stop. I don't talk about stuff off the top of my head, I don't do the usual girlie stream of consciousness thing ... Except to Sam, because I love and trust him, and that's what I want to do and need to do and have to do, all at the same time. If that makes sense. 

So. Let's start with ... Well let's start with the Beginning of Sam and me. Time and place; May 2000, Ireland. I went over for a holiday, to visit friends I'd met on and off the 'net, and have a good time. No agenda, you understand. Yes, there was a guy, surely there's always a guy? But I had no intentions beyond "a good time".

Anyway ... that's when I met EW (371L Wanker, remember?) for real. We'd known each other over the internet, emails and long rambling phone calls, for almost a year at that stage. He was (and still is, I presume) an incredibly intelligent, entertaining guy, with some deep attraction and charisma (spoiler: read, evil manipulative power). And we fell in lurve (at least that's what I thought at the time, based on what he said ... ) and everything was wonderful and I was really happy. Nothing was said about the future, about commitment, about what would happen next. I guess I thought it would either happen, or it wouldn't, but I'd always have a good friend, and good memories.

Fuck it, was I ever wrong ... We had this whole weepy scene thing at the airport; he cried, I cried, we were going to miss each other and always love each other, and see each other soon. I howled the entire 24 hour flight back to Perth ... and then, never really heard from him, or spoke to him again. Fuck knows I tried to keep the lines of communication open, trying so hard to be rational and not go all weird and girlie and demanding; until I heard from one of his friends that according to EW, it had all just been a total sexual fling, no emotions involved, and now I had turned into PsychoStalkerBitch ... At which point I kinda, well, fell apart.

It was the intrinsic sense of betrayal. That I'd given a part of myself to this person, totally without strings of any kind, and I thought that some kind of, well, connection, for want of a better word, had been reciprocated in full; only to discover the whole thing had been a lie, that I'd been manipulated by what I can only now assume is a seriously sicko compulsive liar who gets his jollies from messing with peoples' minds ... And I have heard other stories, from other people, so this isn't all a figment of my fevered mind, honest.

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So. That was the story of EW. And thus the segue to the story of Sam, because strangely out of all that misery and betrayal and breakdown, has come the best thing of my entire life. My lover, my life, the guy I've been looking for all my life ... My Sam.

I met Sam in Ireland, when I went up-country for a couple of days by myself, to see some sights apart from hotel ceilings avec EW ... And Sam and I experienced one of those instant "clicks"; an elemental "hmmmm" ... which of course didn't lead to anything at the time because I was (I thought) involved with EW, and Sam had an entanglement of his own.

But we kept in contact, and when the EW thing exploded so messily in my face, Sam was there to chat to, and cheer me up, and help me retain perspective. And I healed, and gradually, I realised who Sam was ... And when Sam disentangled himself, well, I guess that mutual recognition of being the other's "One" became apparent to us both. And things just developed from there, in a rather odd but fundamentally right mix of the romantic and the intensely practical.

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... And thus to May 2001, when my beloved finally came to visit me, and asked me to marry him, and I asked him to marry me, and all is now blissful and wonderful and totally unexpected in it's gloriousness.

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See? No more Cryptofemme. There's the story. Okay so I left out the more interesting bits, but hey, don't y'all have imaginations of your own???

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And now I am heading off to make and eat a yummy dinner. I'm baking pork chops in a little extra virgin olive oil, a little fresh rosemary, and a heap of flattened and peeled garlic, with roasted vegetables on the side (see Roast Chicken with Roasted Vegetables for basic recipe). Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm.

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Ooh ooh while on the topic of creative juices (er), check out my new "Miscellany" - Beauty Blackshirts; the Cast List is finally up; and I have some new recipes brewing in the Cookbook - for Potage Bonne Femme, basic stocks, and kebabs, satays and skewers. Am I not a wondrous example of domestic and feminine godessity? Stay tuned.

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