Tuesday 16 October 2001

Ow.

I had a seriously bad pain episode last night - that familiar "please kill me now" state where I just lie there in bed pathetically whimpering and fidgeting because there is not a single position that feels comfortable, all there is in the world is pain and no matter how much I try to relax it simply isn't possible because every single muscle in my body is spasming and telling me to fuck away off. And get better drugs. And please kill me now. 

Lately I've been taking a mere two-four tabs of ibuprofen a day to keep the pain levels under control enough to allow me to function (as opposed to the usual largish amounts of codeine), but last night required swigs of my oh-so-delicious liquid morphine preparation (it tastes like petrol-flavoured cough syrup, if that helps you at all).  Fortunately the liquid preparation is effective, and kicks in relatively fast, so half an hour after I took it I was feeling a lot more relaxed and warm-tingly. Still a whole lot sore, and knowing that in the morning I'd feel like a bulldozer had run over me, but not writhing and whimpering and whew what a relief. 

So much better too, than how things used to be. The painkillers I used to take, and still take in conjunction with the liquid stuff when things get really bad, are pretty good, except they're the slow-release type. That is, they take days before they really kick in, and the side effects are ick - dry mouth and throat, itchy skin, total loss of appetite, nausea, insomnia, depression etc - and that all adds insult to injury. 

Aw but Sam was so good. And it's great - how great, I don't have words for - to have someone there with me, to hold my hand and wrap his arms very gently around me keeping me warm and snug. It was probably the worst episode I've had since we've been together (that is, together in the same geographical location!) and he did find it a little scarey, also frustrating, seeing and feeling me go through that and not being able to do anything much to help. He was also glad he was there so I didn't have to go through it alone. Aw.  

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So yeah, I am feeling like a bulldozer has driven over me a few times, with ever-increasing loads of rubble in that scoop-thing, just to ensure the job was done properly. Ow.

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The weekend went way too fast, as weekends are prone to do, but Sam and I did manage to achieve quite a bit. We had a bit of a dinner party here on Friday night, for Richard and Lisa, and Sam's Uncle Bill. I cooked; Leek and Potato and Watercress Soup, followed by pan fried salmon cutlets with rainbow rice and steamed asparagus, followed by the famous Lemon Delicious Pudding, and we had a couple bottles of Rosemount Semillon Chardonnay mmmm. It was all absolutely delicious if I do say so myself (everyone else said so too!), and then we played two games of Trivial Pursuit (UK Genus Edition). Sam and I won one round, then Richard, Lisa and Uncle Bill won the other ... but it was a close thing, truly! 

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Saturday we had a bit of a lie-in with a late lunch, then Sam got stuck into an afternoon playing Homeworld: Cataclysm while I went shopping with Amy for ... a wedding dress. I should clarify that I was utterly dreading this; I hate shopping for clothes for any occasion, whether it be jeans, sports wear, work clothes, whatever, and the mere concept of The Wedding Dress was doing my head in. And making me feel quite ill. I warned Sam that at my current rate of avoidance of this issue I'd be signing the register in Levi's and Radiohead t-shirt. Also, the wedding industry leaves me totally cold. A terminal case of the frou-frou flouncey sprouncey tulle frothy sparklywarklies and the you-must-have-this and you-can't-live-without-that and that whole Daddy's little princess fantasy thing and ... squickiness cubed.

I just knew I wasn't going to find anything that (a) didn't turn my stomach and (b) looked good on me. I was already thinking of alternatives, like maybe just a nice frock, even though in my heart of hearts I did want a *proper* wedding dress.

So guess what? My first day out looking for dresses with Amy and guess what?

I FOUND ONE!!! 

It looks gorgeous on, it really really does. I mean, *I* looked gorgeous (blushblush). It is totally unlike what I "sort of" had in mind but then what I "sort of" had in mind totally looked like crap on me (and yes I tried about a gazillion dresses on yeeeaaarrrgggh). And it has to be a good sign that it looked good, right? considering I had the wrong style of underwear on, wasn't wearing any make-up, was having a seriously bad hair day (think: roadkill), and was generally feeling flustered and icky. (It was also a very good price, like less than a third of what everyone was telling me I'd have to pay for a wedding dress, pshaw. Hee I said pshaw, I've always wanted to say that. Pshaw pshaw pshaw.) 

I can't tell you more than that here, because Sam is not allowed to know what it looks like, and forget being allowed to actually see it, until The Day, but if you email me asking for details I might just tell you all about it ... 

I am very pleased. I've found The Dress, I can afford it, and (perhaps best of all ...) apart from having the alterations done I don't need to think about it anymore! Now there's just shoes and underwear and hair and make-up and oh god ... mind you as far as shoes et al goes, I'm following Secra's advice and going with the two of everything rule. Just in case like. 

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