Monday 03 June 2002

Photos

We finally, finally picked up the wedding photos. Tonight. Only four months after the event and three and a half months after the photographer first called to tell us they were ready, to come see (and several more calls in the interim). I was really embarrassed that it had taken us so long to pick them up, that I'd kept putting it off, but I had my reasons ...

Namely, I was scared. I hatehatehate having my photograph taken.

First off, I have major "issues" with the way I look - I honestly do think I'm ugly and horrible and disgusting.  I look in the mirror to put on make-up or insert contact lenses - although I've become expert at doing both with minimum mirror interaction because I can't stand to look at myself some days. The rational logical part of my brain tells me I can't possibly be as bad as say, the Elephant Man, and anyway I am kinda cute and interesting-looking, and very slim and petitie, and anyway it's a ridiculous thing to get so worked up over. In fact, I get absolutely furious with myself that it matters so much - it shouldn't matter even if I was ugly, any more than weight and height matter in other people. But I do get worked up and it has always been an issue -and of course that goes a long way to explain my lack of confidence and self-consciousness in social situations. Nothing anyone says makes the slightest bit of difference to the way I feel. Sam tells me I'm beautiful on a regular basis; Sooz tells me I'm attractive; my brothers and other people have told me so ...

The other thing is that I always look vile in photographs anyway. I either have my eyes shut, or wide open looking as though someone's hit me on the back of the head with a shovel and my eyeballs are falling out at great velocity - neither is a good look for anyone.  There are only two or three photographs in existence in which I don't look like this, and none of them were taken when I was either being posed, or nervous/excited, or all of the above.

At any rate, we picked up the photographs. And you know what? They're not too bad. In fact, they're kinda ... good. Sam looks absolutely gorgeous of course, and there are several movie-starlet ones of Sooz, and everyone else looks fine*. And The Bride? Well, I look like me - a small slim cheeky thing, maybe even somewhat cute, or pretty even (the dress turned out exceptionally well). What a shock. It's a small batch of pictures - we went for one of the smaller "packages" - to choose 24 out of 36 - and I'm actually going to have to make a choice of which 24, rather than "which are the least gross"? As soon as I've done selecting, and scanning, and photoshopping etc etc, I may even most a couple up here somewhere, mmkay?

*  although Isabel does look rather grim, and there aren't any of her and me together, which had the effect of upsetting me all over again ... I really really wish she'd been different on that day and I think I'm still in shock that she wasn't happy for me, didn't say a single nice thing to me, wasn't in any pictures because she deliberately ignored the scheduled "photo calls" etc etc ... and I'm all angry and upset again months after the event so obviously I'm not over whatever-the-fuck it was all about. I'm thinking I should post whichever photos I pick out for them, with a note along the lines of "PS, I'm very disappointed that there aren't any of you and me together on what was a very special day, one you have told other people you never thought you'd see, and I thought you were happy for me, but that was your decision on the day - I'm just sorry you felt that way." But that would be childish, right?

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