Thursday 04 July 2002

Seems to be there's always discussion on some forum/channel/chat room or other about body image and specifically, weight. I guess I've made it pretty clear here where I stand in the whole self-image/self-esteem issue, but I've never really got into weight.

First things first; I'm tiny, slender and very slim. That's just how I am; all my growing years were spent being ill and puking and being exceedingly picky about food, and now I'm an adult I've settled into this shape and pretty much just stay that way.

But why? How come I don't have weight issues when I have issues about everything else? I think it goes back to when I was a kid and had to be force-fed or tempted to eat. My poor, poor parents had a dreadful time with me, as surprising as it may seem considering I'm such an all-out foodie now, I hated food and eating. Bleaggghhh. Not surprising really, as in hindsight most of it was actively making me sick and the rest I simply couldn't keep down. One develops some distrust in such circumstances.

I remember I had "fads" about food though; there was a period lasting weeks when I would only eat mashed potatoes, nice fluffy bland mashed potatoes. The 'rents, however, figured that a child cannot live on mashed spuds alone and tried to introduce more nutritional value; cheese, chopped bacon or chicken or vegetables. Missed the point, dudes! The point was bland and fluffy with no bits. So that was the end of the mashed potato phase.

I adored fish fingers, and fish and chips, but was rarely allowed those because of fat content. Ho-hum. I hated roast meat eg beef or lamb with all the trimmings and a mouthful of tender roast beef would send me running to the bathroom to heave. So it was back to mashing up the spuds with maybe a bit of gravy.  I hatehatehated toast. Didn't matter if the crusts were cut off, I hated toast and bread. Kinda neat, in hindsight, that I would have such a natural aversion to something so gluten-intensive.

In just about all photographs of me as a child and a teenager I look like an escapee from Bergen-Belsen, and one who looked about four years younger than her peers, developmentally speaking. And no, no doctor ever thought I might have some gastro-intestinal problems.

It wasn't until I was sixteen - sixteen, people - that I learnt to like food. Talk about a revelation. Here's how it happened; a friend of mine at school was a Chinese (Cantonese) girl, from Kuala Lumpur, who lived with a family in Perth during the school year then went home in the Christmas holidays (that's the long holiday for schools in Australia) as our school wasn't a boarding school. No idea why C's parents didn't choose one of the "real" private boarding schools in Perth, as there were lots. Mostly populated with children from rural and farming areas, it's true - so maybe that's the reason. Too many rednecks.

Anyway - dammit I'm rambling - I stayed with her and her family in KL in Malaysia for five weeks over the Christmas holidays. And discovered Malaysian, Cantonese and Singaporean foods. Yes, I had been exposed to Perth's version of Chinese food - think sweet and sour pork with the batter three inches thick surrounding a minute shred of unidentifiable meat, covered in thick, sickly sweet red sauce - so this was a total revelation. Rice at every meal. Crisp, stir fried vegetables. Noodles. Curries. Cha siu bao and other yum cha. Even more types of noodles and soups and stir fries and oh my I was in heaven. I ate and ate and ate ... when I got off the plane at Perth Airport five weeks later my parents didn't recognise me for several seconds because I had gained weight.

Next up I taught myself to cook all those delicious foods, and to find all those interesting ingredients, and to try this, and maybe change that, and do something different with that other thing. And thus my love of food and cooking was born.  Yet I never ever got fat. I don't believe I have a particularly fast metabolism; and I can eat enormous amounts of food for a small person. I just never got fat. Maybe a bit plump, sometimes. The fact was, I preferred rice and noodles to McDonald's and was just as likely to crave broccoli as chocolate. I'm still like that.

Years and years after that I was finally diagnosed with Coeliac Disease, and much was explained. I did gain a little weight, what with eating and actually absorbing nutrients and all that, but I soon lost any "excess".  I'm now nearly thirty-three and I weigh pretty much the same as when I was sixteen/seventeen (I never exercised or was physically fit until I was twenty-six years old and onwards, so that's not a factor either) - say around 45-48 kgs if you really want the stats.

Okay so maybe a lot of you are saying, well shut up about weight then, if you're so slim. The thing I'm trying to say, is that I've never worried about my weight, it's never been an issue - sure I've worried and outright hated my own face, but weight has never been an issue. It's highly likely that this is because I was so utterly clueless and backward at being a teenager and a social outcast to boot,. I missed that whole developmental stage and peer group thing. Then again, maybe not, because I have the whole "fuck I'm ugly" thing down perfect.  Weirdo.

Just about every female in my age-group - and even more so in younger women - obsesses about weight and thinks she's five kilos too heavy, and that she simply must go on a diet. I will state categorically that I loathe and despise the concept of "diet" - sure if you're like me or have diabetes or allergies to certain foods or your weight is endangering your health. then you will have to watch what you eat and maybe follow a medically approved diet. But other than that - I spit on diets, and fads, the Zones and Dr Somebody-or-other - it's all a load of crap and nobody can convince me otherwise. Just do the food pyramid thing and for crying out loud stop eating so much junk. Phooie.

But anyway, maybe the reason I am slim is because I don't obsess over it and have a natural inclination (and now a good medical reason) and preference for "healthy" foods. Maybe that's the key.

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