Tuesday 18 February 2003

Yanks Yanked

Much amused by this article on the BBC News website (oh how I love that site - give it lots of awards, somebody) - where the the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science in Denver was told that Alien Abductees Show Real Symptoms.  Apparently four million USAns claim to have been abducted by aliens and experimented on, often repeatedly, and experience stress and distress symptoms akin to those observed in studies of veterans of battle and victims of post-traumatic stress disorder.  To quote the researcher: "...The heart-rate responses and sweating responses were at least as great in the alien abductees when they heard their memories [recorded and played back to them] of being taken and molested by space aliens and subjected to experiments as those of people with genuine traumatic events..."

All the article proves to me is that those Yanks who are *cough*taken*cough* are laughably gullible trashy nutters whose main food groups are most likely fat, NaCl and refined carbohydrates.  I mean, I believe absolutely and without any doubts whatsoever that a diet of McDonalds Drive-Thru would most definitely cause extreme Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

And why the hell is it only Yanks who get yanked?  Where's the Australians and Irish and French and Spaniards, South-East Asians and Japanese and Inuits?  I feel moved to form the Alien Abductee Anti-Discrimination Lobby because this is just so unfair.  I mean really, it's only USAns who get the fun implants and anal probes and groovy experiments involving nano-drills and bright lights.  What's so unworthy of the rest of us home sapiens, hm?  Don't we deserve probing too?  Can I get a "harrumph" over here?

Tuxedo's theory is that USAns (we are talking about the most obese population on the planet here) provide the Planet Earth with much needed gravity wells and ballast, and that this requires further research that could lead to interesting developments in both deep-ocean and deep-space exploration.

And sorry, but I would have thought that the fact that aliens chiefly abduct folks from Middle America was absolute proof that there is no sentient life (or at least, tasteful and discriminatory sentient life) out there in the universe.  I mean, why fat white trash when they could abduct Stephen Hawking?  Richard Dawkins?  Quantum physicists (I'm sure even aliens would be interested to see what these monkeys on Terra are coming up with)? Nobel Prize winners for Literature? Composers?

I just don't get it.  Oh yes, I do; it is a complete load of bollix.

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Mind you ... some of the stranger symptoms of migraine include visual effects, including seeing auras and claiming to have visitations (I give you both Hildegaard von Bingen and Julian of Norwich - two very powerful and well-educated Abbesses living in the twelfth century, both of whom suffered from migraine and drew and wrote down detailed analyses of what they believed were visitations from God).  One migraine out of five I will have some kind of "visual effect" as well as the usual photo-sensitivity, and I'll see flickering shapes (anything from gloopy blobs to prowling panthers) in iridescent purple-blacks, a kind of wavering light around people, and a curious mosaic effect - think Cubism. So you know ... maybe *I* am being visited by aliens and because I'm a Scully not a Mulder I just shut my eyes, reach for the medication, moan pathetically and puke.  Awww now I'm beginning to feel sorry for all those aliens I've cold-shouldered, aw.

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Today I once again displayed my superb diagnostic skillzzz ... Tuxedo has been having on/off tummy troubles for years and years; I knew it couldn’t be diet-related as our diet is really good what with the whole gluten-free thing, eating lots of fresh veggies and fruit, rice and pasta, and no deep fried foods, also hey I'm an outstanding cook.  I figured acid-triggered Irritable Bowel Syndrome; today he went to the doctor and guess what?  Yep.  Poor love, but I can’t help feeling rather chuffed I got it right yet again. Yay, me. 

F'rinstance, I once told a complaining work colleague that she probably had microscopic colitis and should go see a gastroenterologist; after enduring an endoscopy and a colonoscopy she was diagnosed with microscopic colitis. Ha!  I have also correctly diagnosed various other people with conditions/syndromes such as Benign Positional Vertigo, tendonitis and carpal tunnel syndrome, B6 deficiency, and various other neurological, musculoskeletal, otorhinolaryngological, gynaecological, and allergic conditions.

Such a pity I wasn't around when all those "eminent" physicians and diagnosticians were screwing up my life; I seem to be good at this kind of thing. 

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We took Jessie to the Vee Ee Tee last night for her booster vaccinations, get her nails trimmed, plus next stages of yet more red tape re: export to Australia.  ARGH.  She was SO well behaved, the darling (apart from snarling and spitting at the Vee Ee Tee during rectal-temperature-taking, but really who could blame her), so Tuxedo bought her a squeaky mousie toy and a new collar (he's such a sweet dope).   The Vee Ee Tee was interesting – had just got back from taking six (£3m ea) French racehorse stallions over to Australia for stud.  He wasn’t sure who for but I reckoned Heytesbury.  No one else is rich enough and the Arabs prefer the Irish horses.