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AAtTAaaaAACKCKKckK!
Tomás Ford's DISTRACTOMATIC _//September 2008

INDEX // COMMUNITY SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT__//?!/ SOMEBODY SHUT ME UP /_ SPECIAL EXCITEMENT// THINGS THAT SUCK / THINGS TO DO IN A SEPARATE WINDOW WHILE YOU SURF PORN SITES /] AGING RECORDS YOU SHOULD TOTALLY SCORE OFF BITTORRENT ../ THE SECRET CORNER // WHY PERTH IS NOT AS LAME AS YOU KEEP TELLING ME IT IS / OUT OF CONTEXT REVIEW QUOTE OF THE MONTH // REASON TO QUIT MY DAY JOB OF THE MONTH //_ UPCOMING TOMAS FORD GIGS////////////////////////////////////////////////!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!///1!?!

COMMUNITY SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
THE SHOW THAT WAS MEANT TO BE ON THURSDAY THE 25^TH (ie TONIGHT) AT 459 @ THE ROSEMOUNT IN PERTH IS CANCELLED.

I SORRY.

SAVE US BOTH THE EMBARRASSMENT AND DON’T TURN UP, HEY?

I ORGANISE NEW VENUE FOR THIS NEXT MONTH AND I LET YOU KNOW. K?

SOMEBODY SHUT ME UP
So here we are again,

Once again, I’ve been really busy. Actually, I’ve been too busy to put time into writing a newsletter that didn’t suck until this very moment. And maybe it will still suck. But at least I can say it sucks bec au se of my shortcomings rather than my laziness. Which is a shortcoming. A lazy shortcoming. Except that I’m not lazy.

Anyway, to fill you in on what has been keeping me away from writing to you this month, I’ve been working on my new single, shooting a video for it, organising a tour, organising a very involved local show, picking up the pieces after the aforementioned local show fell apart, collaborating on some songs with team9, pulling together a very special show for Artrage’s Silver Bullet closing party, writing for Drum Perth, working my day job, finally doing my taxes, putting together two new zines, printing some new stickers that you’ll like, trying to keep my show tight through rehearsing, trying to write some new stuff (almost finished) and trying to retain some semblance of togetherness. It’s all a bit messy.

I’ve also started drinking beer again, which is an exciting development. I stopped after first year of uni when I realized I didn’t like the way it tasted. But Jay/Turbine 37 introduced me to some yummy Japanese stuff last month which I’m pretty much in love with. I still hate drinking beer, bec au se it gives me the hangover from hell, but now I am kind of addicted to it. Not in an alcoholic way. But you know, in an addicted to an alcoholic beverage kind of way.

I just paid for an oldschool 8-bit Nintendo to be posted to my house, which is totally exciting. We threw my old one out and all of the “hella” awesome cartridges that went along with it a few years ago, which c au sed me serious emotional tr au ma. So now I’m about to buy back small grey plastic bits of my childhood, one game at a time. If anyone has old NES games that they want to give away, let me know. I love that shit.

Cool. I’m going to go play some video games and drink some beer.

Did I really just say that? What, next month am I going to be talking about the latest issue of Ralph and Sophie Monk’s cup size?

On second thought, I’m off to do some CD cover folding and watch season five of Dawsons’ Creek. Gotta rebalance things.

Yours in alarmingly increasing suburbanism,

Tomás

THINGS THAT SUCK

Being A Junkie – This month my friend SPM told me that one of my publicity photos makes me look like a junkie. This conception of my personality has been followed up by my going to the pharmacy today for some cold and flu tablets, only to be taken aside by the pharmacist and told that I’d been buying “too many” and that I should go and talk to my doctor about it if my cold/flu symptoms persist. Bec au se, clearly, my doctor can now cure a common cold.
Cancelled Shows – If you’re thinking of cancelling one of my shows at the last minute, don’t do that. It pisses me off. A lot.
My Immune System – Colds and flus are not much in the way of a party. They kind of make it almost impossible to do a decent vocal take when recording. Maybe I need to consider eating food with nutritious value beyond raising my cholesterol limit.
The Matrix Revolutions – More full of under-written plot holes than Terminator 3. And corny war movie references. And Keanu Reeves.
Terminator 3 – Fuck it, that deserves its’ own entry. I spent three entire hours shouting at a cinema screen “THERE IS NO CENTRAL CORE! IT’S THE INTERNET, ARNIE!!!” Surprisingly, they got to the central core to find that skynet was on the internet.
Fruit – Why can’t it taste like lollies? And no, I don’t mean I want lollies that taste like fruit.
Bram Stoker’s Dracula – Keanu Reeves and English accents are like oil and water.
Time – More, please.
Kylie Minogue – After the awesomeness of your Showgirl tour, I was totally going to come see your X tour on multiple nights. Not if you’re not coming to Perth though. Maybe my wife’s right and you’re a nasty, horse-faced bitch. I don’t think she is. But I think you should come to Perth and prove her wrong, K?
A Scanner Darkly – Even animated Keanu Reeves pisses me off.

SPECIAL EXCITEMENT
I have another run of those stickers you’ve been asking me about. They’re not up on the website yet, but if you email me or come to a show, I can totally hook you up. They’re like five bucks each and were designed by my most lovely friends at Juicebox, who were also responsible for the very sexy artwork for Harlequin League’s EP.

THINGS TO DO IN A SEPARATE WINDOW WHILE YOU SURF PORN SITES
Buy The New David Byrne (Talking Heads)/Brian Eno Album
http://www.everythingthathappens.com/
I found out about this the other day and kind of freaked out. It’s pretty much totally awesome. And it only costs about ten bucks to get a high quality mp3 copy with pretty pdf artwork. It’s nothing groundbreaking, really. It’s just really nice to hear two artists at the forefront of so much edge-pushing make a record where they both sound so comfortable and in touch with their strengths. The only thing that could top this would be if someone could convince Eno to make another solo avant-pop album a la Here Come The Warm Jets.

Google Will Eat Itself
http://gwei.org/
An amusing online art intervention using holes in the Google AdSense software. It’s been going for a few years now but it’s still pretty funny.

…But Google Will Probably Already Have Eaten You
http://www.googlewatch.org
All Your Base Are Belong To Them

Spy On Me Then Be My Friend
http://www.last.fm/user/tomasford
I don’t even know if I like this last.fm thing yet, I don’t know how comfortable I am with having my listening habits on show 24/7. Or if gathering all that information into a handy chart format is in any way useful for me, or just my giving away a whole pile of valuable data to a company for free. And things like Axle Whitehead being on my Top Tracks chart make me feel a little uncomfortable. It also stops me from listening to the song – I don’t want it to get to number one, for fucks’ sake. Anyway, come by and visit and if you’ve been sucked in to putting their software on your computer too.

THE SECRET CORNER
Apparently, if I am following the teachings of The Secret, I just need to put ideas for things I want out into the world and those things will come to me. This section is not supposed to be funny. It’s purely practical. So, in the spirit of that, I would like:

1x Laptop, in working order.
1x sexy kaoss pad.
1x experienced, physically attractive manager.
1x additional hour of sleep, to be used at my discretion.
1x ability to use sexy kaoss pad.
1x car, not broken.
1x copy of Haddaway’s “What Is Love” single, including crap/awesome early 90’s remixes.
1x unlikely aria hit single.
1x ability to stop any particular genre of music from being popular with mainstream Australia. I want the power to kill things the way Breakbeat died.
1x bundle of $1,000,000 notes.
4x Olivia Newton John(s), circa 1979, on rollerskates, all looking vaguely confused, aroused.
1x mexican walking fish, friendly.

AGING RECORDS YOU SHOULD TOTALLY SCORE OFF OF BITTORRENT
The Teaches Of Peaches – Peaches
Probably one of the best debut albums ever. This is the album with Fuck The Pain Away and Rock Show (which Iggy Pop covered a couple of years back) on it. But it’s also full of hidden gems that will rip a hole in your face this weekend at Parklife, if you’re going. Personally, I’m hoping she drops Lovertits. Pretty much the best song ever. Fact.

My Third Husband – Deborah Conway
If you listen to this synthy, homerecorded trip-hop album all the way through and still think listing Deborah Conway in this column is lame, then please email me so I can tell you how you are in fact the one who is lame and how you should have a whole pile of Deborah Conway CD’s in your house as she is a golden godess and you are a puny, puny scab with bad music taste. Fact.

My Life In The Bush Of Ghosts – David Byrne and Brian Eno
This album pretty much invented a whole pile of post-rocky sample-ey kind of shit. This is their only collaborative album (if you don’t count Talking Heads LP’s, which actually I kind of do) before the new one. You need to listen to it. It will rock you. Fact.

WHY PERTH IS NOT AS LAME AS YOU KEEP TELLING ME IT IS

Artrage SILVER Festival – Program just came out on Friday. It’s going to blow your head off.
Drum Perth – Is about a million times cooler now that I’m writing for it. I’m pretty happy with my single reviews. The Single Of The Week is called “Infinite Death”.
Parklife – Do dance lineups get better than this without having me on them?
The National Party – Have the balance of power in our hung parliament. The Nationals having any kind of impact on our political system makes for an interesting change. It makes me think we’re in Queensland or something. And Queensland is probably having really nice weather at the moment.
Bitch!! Please – Craving a booty shaking underground electro party of the variety that makes you much cooler than any of your friends? Perhaps you need to check out Bitch!! Please by everyone’s favourite excitable electro spinner, Hickey. http://www.myspace.com/bitchpleasedanceparty
Southbound – Festival season looks pretty fkn sweet, doesn’t it? Santogold! Jamie Lidell! Grafton Primary! Architecture In Helsinki ! The Drones! The Dap Kings! Egads!
Harlequin League – If you can dig synthy new wave pop-rock type things, I actually really strongly recommend the EP they’re about to put out. It’s much, much better than you think it could be. And I don’t just randomly high five pop-rock bands. This is me going out on a limb. But it’s a worthwhile limb.
Zack Adams’ Slightly Awkward Tour – After what was, by all accounts, a pretty huge Melbourne International Comedy Fest season this year, Zack is back out on the road for shows in Melbourne, Sydney and here in Perth . I saw him on Friday and he was in exceptionally good form. Check out the info on the lemon-coloured right hand panel of this site http://ackadams.homestead.com/
Van She – aren’t from here.
Double Lucky – while I’m not going to actually go there, it provides a solid comeback to anyone who argues Perth doesn’t have any cute little bars (although some legislative change would be awesome on that front). I’m really hoping The West’s “no admission to under 25’s” beat-up was just a beat-up though, or I’m going to have to start turning into a hater.
Burswood Dome – It’s right there, OK, Kylie? IT’S RIGHT FUCKING THERE. YOU COULD PLAY THERE, YEAH, KYLIE? YEAH? You hurt me.

OUT OF CONTEXT REVIEW QUOTE OF THE MONTH
“…running laps of the bar while shoving his make-up stained face in punters’ faces and as he sung Five Times he was wrapped up accosting the sweaty, stained floor and pummelling his ever-ready genitalia firmly into the ground.” – Annie Newton, Drum Perth

REASON TO QUIT MY DAY JOB OF THE MONTH
See “Nintendo and beer” paragraph of Somebody Shut Me Up section. Look at what it’s doing to me.

UPCOMING TOMAS FORD: SUPER BONUS TOUR BONUS EDITION!!! BONUS!
THURSDAY OCTOBER 2
GANGBUSTERS
BAR 32, CIVIC, CANBERRA , NSW
with Inappropriate Tough Guy Behaviour + Chroma Key Robots
I’m really looking forward to going back to Canberra . I had a lot of fun last time I was there; I’m not sure if it was bec au se it was the first stop on the trip or bec au se that city is so damn weird, but it’s the first stop again and I’m sure it’s still fucked up so it should be rad. The four hour train trip notwithstanding.

FRIDAY OCTOBER 3 – MONDAY OCTOBER 6
THIS IS NOT ART FESTIVAL + NATIONAL YOUNG WRITERS’ FESTIVAL
NEWCASTLE , NSW
I sit on panels about cultural theory! I rock spoken word gigs! I suck up to owners of independent record labels! I sit on panels about curating! I get into legnthy conversations about Australian fringe culture! I learn about obscure techniques of electronic noise production! I spend all my money at the zine fair! I drink and party! I drink and party! I drink and paaarrrrtttyyyy!!!

TUESDAY OCTOBER 7
THE HOPETOUN HOTEL, SURRY HILLS NSW
with Dead Kitten Parade
It’s going to be hard to convince kids that they want to come out to see me on a Tuesday night. But I’m OK with that. It’s going to be fun to play the Hopetoun, in any case, and playing to a room full of kids coming down from their long weekend is a bit like poking Sydney in the stomach when it’s feeling n au seous. And after being there last time during World Youth Day, I kind of feel like I’ve earned that.

WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 8
NORTHCOTE SOCIAL CLUB, NORTHCOTE VIC
with Neon Knights
I was about to email a less awesome venue in Northcote, when I decided “oh fuck it. It’s midweek, I may as well try for the big kahuna.” So now I have the big kahuna. Really looking forward to jumping all over it and then afterpartying freakstyle. I’m in Melbourne for a total of 23 hours and I intend to make the most of it.

SATURDAY OCTOBER 11
DJ’ING AT SOMEBODY’S HOUSE PARTY, INALOO WA
Statistically speaking, you’re unlikely to be invited.

SUNDAY OCTOBER 12
TUCKER B’S SUPPORT
SHAPE, EAST PERTH WA
Everybody loves the Tucker B’s. So I assume that if you’re in Perth and have even one remotely indie record in your collection, that you’ll be coming to this show, yeah?

SATURDAY OCTOBER 18
HYDE PARK HOTEL
NORTH PERTH , WA
with She Selexx + Simone And Girlfunkel
She Selexx is the new electro-ish project from Trilby from The Resonance and about half of Halogen. This is probably as discotastic as the Hydey has ever been on a Saturday night. It’s going to be very amusing to see how this goes down, in any case, so if you’re in Perth I highly recommend coming to check it out.

GO TO TOMASFORD.COM OR I WILL WAX YOU

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