WARNING: This Sesame Street page is not intended for the innocent or pure who wish to remain so.
Most images from the Sesame Street Connection.
"Hello. My name is Bert, and I'm an alcoholic."
Not so, you say? Look at the evidence. That yellow skin - evidence of advanced liver dysfunction. And that nose! You can't tell me it got to be that colour without outside intervention. Tell me, where do YOU think he gets his bottle top collection from? Uh-huh. If I was Ernie, I'd be worried about my 'friend', just a little. Ah, but Ernie's not quite with it either. We're talking about an adult male who has codependency issues with his rubber ducky.
Then, of course, there's that friendship issue. Two men who have been roommates for 25 years, with no evidence of anything like girlfriends, or even an interest in women. Yup. Suuure, they're just friends. <ahem> Special Friends.
Big Bird. Sure, the Bird is Big. A seven-foot canary is not what I'd call petite. A seven-foot canary is what I call steroid abuse if you must know, but we'll leave THAT issue aside.
Big Bird is six years old. Everybody knows Big Bird is six years old. Big Bird has always been six years old, but if you ask me that's where this all begins to break down. I'm sixTEEN years old, and I can remember a time when Big Bird and I were (theoretically) the same age. Now, what exactly is it that BB is hiding, that he feels the need to lie about his age? We all age. Time waits for neither man nor pumped-up avian. Now, I don't have a theory on this one. Perhaps it is too dark and sinister for even my paranoia. If you have a theory, why don't you tell me, and I'll put it up here. Together, folks, we can beat the Bird.
Okay. Oscar I have no real problem with. True, he suffered from eternal male PMS, apparent agoraphobia and was a little bit too relaxed about personal hygiene, but we all have our faults. The thing is...
What's with the garbage can?
You know what I mean. Look at all the stuff he pulled out of that thing. There is no WAY it could all fit in there, right?
Right.
And yet, it all came out. (Unlike Bert and Ernie.) So the question is...
What was under that trash can?
An old abandoned sewer system? Disgusting but prosaic. Secret tunnels? Marginally more mysterious. Why are they there? What sinister purpose do they serve? Perhaps he taps into a basement. But we get the feeling it's oh-so-much darker than that, don't we?
Evidence has come to light that Oscar's trash can is actually a galvanised interdimensional portal, through which the earth is being invaded by beings from the Galaxy of Stynki. I jest, of course, but my jest striketh not too far from the mark.
It is the entrance to a tunnel leading to a top secret underground military base holding UFOs and live aliens. What, you thought Oscar was human?
Aaah, Mr Snuffalupugus, or, as he secretly preferred to be known, Mr S. Sesame Street's very own dealer. Do you think it's a coincidence that Mr S. was at first only seen by Big Bird, the Street's very own addict? Lurks on street corners, disappearing whenever others show up... Suspicious, wouldn't you say?
Now, of course, Mr S has come out of hiding. Everyone sees him - him and his Family. That Mr S is now able to walk in daylight is evidence of his growing power - and of the corruption of the Powers That Be in Sesame Street who have obviously been 'persuaded' to turn a blind eye to his criminal activities. He fears no prosecution.
That need to count everything is evidence of some seriously obsessive-compulsive behaviour if you ask me. The Count is just a leetle bit disturbed - not, one might say, unusual in one who runs such a comprehensive criminal organisation.
Say hello to your friendly, neighbourhood obsessive-compulsive crime boss.
Sesame Street: A hotbed of crime, drugs, military operations and illicit liasons - as was discovered by Guy Smiley. Learn his lesson well...