Page One

1. Bert and Ernie
   
2. Big Bird
   
3. Oscar the Grouch
   
4. Mr Snuffalupagus
   
5. The Count
   
6. Elmo
   
7. Grover
   
8. Guy Smiley

Part Six: Elmo

Tickle Me Elmo my mousepad. Just why is this young chap so infernally happy? What is he on? And can I have some?

And yet, he gets so sad sometimes. So, assuming Elmo is NOT partaking of some form of chemical amusement, we're looking at a definite manic-depressive here. Perhaps he should book into the Sesame Street Psychiatric Clinic. There isn't one, you say? Well, there should be...

Tickle Me Elmo: Undercover Agent or Innocent Toy?

At first glance, Elmo, the pedophilic tickle version, would appear to be a not-so-innocent toy. He makes the following statements:
• "Ooh, that tickles. Do it again!" He says this even when punched in the stomach. S and M alert!
• "I love you." This is a blatant ploy to entrap childhood affections. Not merely pedophilic, this sado-masochistic doll is also promoting bestiality.
• "Tell me a secret!" This is where Elmo's true purpose, his diabolically successful international spy ring, comes to the fore. From early childhood, his victims are trained to believe that Elmo is the natural recipient for all their secrets. As they approach adulthood, they are already conditioned into a natural tendency to reveal state secrets (if they have any) to Elmo. We theorise that many Russian agents in the US during the Cold War were raised on Sesame Street.

Part Seven: Grover

The last time I had someone clasping their hands at me and declaring tearfully "You're my best friend!", that person was completely and utterly drunk. Could Grover be Bert's companion at the AA meetings? Perhaps. But we should consider the further question of just why is Grover so skinny?

Amphetamines

Ever notice how he seems to have boundless energy? Grover's perpetually chalked up on speed... Explains a lot, doesn't it?

Anorexia

Grover's got an eating disorder. Tragic, but the lack of a much-needed psychiatric clinic on Sesame Street means the possibility of his acquiring therapy is slim.

Cocaine

Grover's groovin' on coke, man. His habit leads him to believe that he has superpowers. Yup. He's a worry...

Part Eight: Guy Smiley

Have you ever wondered why Guy Smiley's mouth extends so far?

An anonymous tip was recently received by this committee, explaining this very fact - and uncovering the chill, violent cruelty exerted by the secret syndicate ruled by the Count.

It seems Guy intended to broadcast an exposè, revealing the sinister Mr S and his Family's mafia-like web of crime. However, in doing so he came up against Count Big - who sent a couple of his "goons", the ubiquitous bats who serve his bidding, to warn poor Guy off and learn his source of information on the Count's illicit dealings.

Guy agreed to drop the story but refused to reveal his source. As a result, the Count had the bats slit his throat. The miracles of modern medicine saved his life - but poor Guy is marked for life, serving as a very public warning to all residents of Sesame Street not to challenge the Count.

Responses - the Thought Assassin has been at work.

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More to come

Escape