Irish religious jokes

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

Pat was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"

Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!". A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike laid down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!" Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there."

Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one pries says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins." They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system." They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system." The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system." They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.
"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."
"You've Thinned?"
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."
"Will that wash away me Thin?"
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."

McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??" "Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?" "I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"

Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"

One little Atheist boy's parents were very concerned about his grades in school. They noticed that his study habits were poor, that he wouldn't concentrate, and that he had zero initiative as far as homework was concerned, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. They noticed an immediate improvement in his overall school performance, especially in math. Every day he would come home from school and promptly head upstairs and begin studying his numbers. Amazed, his parents asked him what it was that motivated him to study so hard. "Is it that the Nuns are so strict with you getting your schoolwork finished?", they asked. "No." said the boy. "Is it that the subjects they are giving you are challenging to you?" "No." responded the boy. "What is it, then, that makes you so eager to study at this new school?" they queried. "Well," said the boy, "my very first day of school at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion, I was sitting in class, looking around and not paying much attention. Then I looked up and saw this naked guy nailed to a plus sign, and I figured they must meant business!"

Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. "well, how can I help you little people?" asked mother superior. the larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "oh mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?" "No," says mother superior, "I don't have any midget nuns here at the convent" "all right than, mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland than?" "no, no," replied mother superior, "I don't know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all." "Well than mother superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, than, of any midget nuns?' "No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" replied mother superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?" The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said "see, its as I told you all along, you've been dating a Penguin"

It seem an old rabbi, in seeing his son graduate from high school, wanted to know what be the youths plans. He called the son into his study and questioned him. "Son, I vish to know, what kind of career are you going to have"? The rabbi laid on a table three items, a $100 bill, a fifth of Jamesons and the good book. He looked to the boy and said, " Ve need to know your future. If you take the $100 bill, you will become a gambler, and that is very terrible. If you take the fifth of Jameson's, you will become a drunkard and that too is very, very bad. But...If you take the good book, you will become a rabbi, like you Papa. The young lad's mind was blank. He was just out of high school and he did not yet know what he wanted to do with his life. After a few minutes of trying to think, he finally decided there was only one answer. The boy took the $100 bill and put it in his pocket. He picked up the Jameson's in one hand and with the other grasped the good book, put it under his arm and quickly left the room. The old rabbi was stunned. He could not understand what had just happened. Then all of a sudden his eyes grew wide, he jumped to his feet, and slapping the side of his face he cried, "Oy Vay... He is going to become a Catholic Priest!"

Farmer McCarthy lived for many years with only his dog for a companion. One sad day he found his dog dead from old age. He went to his parish priest and asked if services could be said for his dog. The good father said "oh no, we can't have services for a dog here, but there's a new church down the street that might be wiling." "Father do you think $50,000 might be enough of a donation?" asked farmer McCarthy. "Well man , why didn't me your dog was a catholic!!!?"

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

A wealthy farmer went to church one Sunday. After services he said to the priest, "Father, that was a damned good sermon you gave, damned good!" "I'm happy you liked it," said the priest. "But I wish you wouldn't use those terms in expressing yourself." "I can't help it," said the rich farmer. "I still think it was a damned good sermon. In fact, I liked it so much I put a fifty pound note in the collection basket." "The hell you did?!" replied the priest.

Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!" "All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, do the stations!"

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die." Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?" "Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."

An Episcopal Bishop lands at La Guardia and asks the cab driver (an Irishman) to take him to "Christ's Church." The cabby takes him to Saint Pat's. The Bishop says, "I Said to you very clearly, take me to Christ's Church. This isn't the place!" The cabby replies, "Yer excellency, If he ain't here, he ain't in town!

The New Curate

Father O'Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, I understand and how did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"

Father O'Malley is so upset about a rumor He's hearin in the congregation. So on the next Sunday He announces" Faithful, I've heard despellin rumours that the flock believes in ghosts. By a show of hands who at church today believes they've ever set eyes on a ghost? "To his dismay a lot show their hands."Oh no people.I've told you there's no such thing as a ghost and being God fearin Christians you can't believe in them.His next question asked if anyone has ever touched a ghost before. Three of the flock raised aye. No! no! There's no such thing I tell you! I hate as a Man of the cloth to ask this final question but I must.Is there any one in church today who will testify that they have ever had SEX with a ghost?" Way in the back 1 hand went up. "Mr.O'conner!!! How can you stand before God and say you've had sex with a ghost? Said O'conner"Oops Father, thought you said Goat!"

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale"

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"

Murphy was 77 years old and had worked 80 hours a week all his life and never had a holiday. His children were all married and his wife had died. He decided to enjoy life. He had a face lift, got a new expensive toupee, bought ten new suits and a brand new car. One evening he got all dressed up in a new suit, new tie, put on his toupee, and got into his new car and drove off towards Dublin. He was only gone a mile when he was killed in an accident. On arrival in heaven, he walked over to St. Peter and said, "What's going on here? All my life I worked hard, and finally, when I had everything in place to enjoy myself, I was killed. Why? Why did you let it happen?"
St. Peter ducked his head in embarrassment and said, "Well, to tell you the truth I didn't recognize you."

Irishman trying to learn golf and having a terrible time of it. "I'd give just about anything to get this right!" he says aloud. Straight on the Devil appears and says "Anything?" "Well, short of selling my soul, yes." "How about giving up sex for the rest of your life?" "Done and done!" He finishes the game in rare good form and rumor of his deal spreads thru the clubhouse. One of the members, a reporter, see a story here and asks him, "Sir, is it true you made a deal with the Devil to become a great golfer?" "True, enough." "And you gave up sex as your part of the bargain?" "True again!" "And may I have your name, sir?" "Certainly. Father Mike O'Ryan."

Pat and Mike were lifelong friends and unfortunately Pat passed away unexpectedly. Mike was so devastated by the passing of his friend that he too died. Due to the fact that they were so close, their widows decided to bury them in a single ceremony. When their widows were making arrangements for their burials, Pat's wife instructed the funeral director to dress Pat in his
brown suit and Mike's wife instructed him to dress Mike in his blue suit. Just minutes prior to beginning of the wake the wives wanted to make sure the director had followed their orders, and much to their dismay, they discovered that Pat was in a blue suit and Mike was in a brown suit. They expressed their displeasure to the director and demanded the situation be corrected
immediately. The director told them that he would take care of it but needed five minutes. In less than the prescribed time, the director called the widows back into the room and showed them Pat in his brown suit and Mike in his blue suit. The widows were surprised at the fact that the director could manage this feat in such a short period of time and were thanking him for his
help. The director said "It really wasn't much of a problem, I just switched their heads"

Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Kathleen, " he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk." But he was insistent. "Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

It seems that Pat, who was 88 had been feelin' poorly for the past few months. One day his son Seamus convinced him to go see the doctor. After a complete exam, the doctor brought Pat and Seamus into his office. "I've got bad news for Pat, your heart's near given out and you've only two months to live." Pat was stunned but after a few minutes he turns to his son and says,"I've had a good long life and if the Lord wants me then I've no complaints." "Let's be off to the Pub where I'm after havin' a pint with me friends." Arriving at the pub a few of his cronies spy Pat "Ah Patty how are you feelin' today", says one. "Not good Mike, I've been to the doctors and he says I've two months to live." "What a shame," says Mike, "and what's ailin ya"? "The doctor says I have the aids." After a few moments Seamus gets his father alone and says, "Da, it's not aids that ya have, it's a heart condition." "Sure don't I know that, I just don't want them old buggers trying to sleep with your Ma when I'm gone."

Mrs Murphy is looking for the grave of her late husband (a notorious criminal) as it has been a while since she was there. she goes to the cemetary's management office and says "I am looking for my husbands grave" "Ok madam", say"s the director"What was his name?" "John Murphy" she answers. He looks through his large book for quite a time and says "sorry there are no John Murphys in our cemetary, nothing but one Mary murphy". The woman brightens up and says "Of course thats it, everything was in my name"

Father Flannigan, an elderly priest invited Father O'Connell, a younger
priest from a neighboring parish who was fresh from the seminary, over for
dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how
attractive and shapely the house keeper was. Over the course of the evening
he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the
housekeeper than met the eye.

Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my
housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said,
"Father Flannigan, ever since the Father O'Connell came to dinner, I've
been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.   You don't suppose
he took it do you?"

The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter
just sure."   So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Father O'Connell

I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation at dinner the other night and hope we
have the opportunity to do so again.

On another matter. We had a beautiful silver ladle which was a gift from a
parishioner that comes to visit from time to time. The ladle has come up
missing and I would be very embarrassed to invite her over and she notice
the missing ladle. It is very important that it be found.

Now, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and
I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle.   But the fact remains
that it has been missing ever since you were here."

Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young
priest which read:

"Dear Father Flannigan,

I also enjoyed our dinner and conversation and hope note only that we do so
again, but also that I be permitted to return the favor.

On the other matter. Now, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your
housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your
housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own
bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Pat O'Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a job on a
building site. When payday rolled around Pat went out on the town, got drunk
as a goat and spent the night with a prostitute. The following day
(Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell all. When the priest
heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail
Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box.

Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was leaving for San
Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to be made was
more than twice what could be made in Philly. After a little coaxing Pat
decides to go with Rory.

At the end of his first week on his new job Pat's wages were more than
double anything he'd made before. Off he goes for a night on the town. Gets
drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prostitute. Come morning remorse
sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession. After hearing Pat's
confession the priest tells him to say a couple of Our Father's and drop a
dollar in the poor box.

"But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty Our
fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I had to fork
over $20."

"Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know aboout drinkin' and
fuckin ' in Philadelphia."

Thank to Larry Jordan, ex Dub from Summerhill and Marino now living in San Francisco

There was this newly arrived novitiate,young,fresh and eager to please, who was summoned by her Mother Superior to assist the aging Sr. Maureen on her daily round of errands in the local village.. So 'tis off they go with young Sr. Bridget studiously taking note of each and every road and stop they made as they pedaled their way about,on the convents two ancient bicycles.After a time they finished their tasks and stopped for a spell for the customary cup o' tay. Upon heading back to the convent, Sr Bridget took the lead only to find that a road they had taken was now impassable, due to heavy repairs going on.Sr Maureen tells her not to worry she knows another way, so off they go again winding and careening down some obscure back roads in a manner that gives young Sr. Bridget cause for concern. Somewhat breathlessly she calls out to Sr Maureen and says "I've never come this way before". "Don't you be alarmed now" says Sr. Maureen " 'Tis those lovely cobble stones....."

On a flight from Shannon to New York Father Maguire finds himself seated
next to a rabbi who introduces himself as Rabbi Klein, who was returning
home to New York after a lovely vacation in Ireland.

Shortly after Father Maguire asks,

"Rabbi. Is it true that you people never eat pork?"

"Never," replies the rabbi.

"Surely, at some time in your life you must have tasted pork. Come on, now,
huh?"

"Well, Father, I guess since we're both in the same racket I can tell you.
Yes, I did stray once and ate pork."

"Ah, I thought so," says Father Maguire, a broad smile of satisfaction on
his rotund face.

"Now, Father," said the rabbi, "it's my turn. You guys are supposed to be
celibate, right?"

"Oh, dear God, yes. Absolutely."

"Ah, come on, man. I leveled with you. Was there ever a time you strayed?"

Sheepishly, Father Maguire says, "Well, truth to tell, there was a time,
yes. Once. Long time ago."

"I see," says the rabbi. "Beats the hell out of pork, don't you think?

Thank to Larry Jordan, ex Dub from Summerhill and Marino now living in San Francisco

Father Ryan is seated next to a rabbi on a flight from Shannon to NYC.
Flight attendant asks the good father, "Cocktail, sir?" Infuriated, the good
father responds, "I'd sooner commit adultery."

She asks the rabbi, "How about you, sir?"

Rabbi responds, "I'll have what he's having."

Thank to Larry Jordan, ex Dub from Summerhill and Marino now living in San Francisco

The Cork born Father O'Connor's reputation for castigating the Brits from
the pulpit was legendary. However, the congregation in his new parish of
Boston, Mass., tired of him lambasting the Brits for the horrors they
inflicted upon the Irish for generations. Ultimately, the Archbishop opted
to send the good father to a small hamlet in the far reaches of Tennessee
where, His Grace said, "The folks know nothing of England and care less. So
Knock off the Brit bashing and you'll better serve Holy Mother Church."

Several weeks later, when Father O'Connor stood into the pulpit to deliver
his first sermon to his new congregation, the local Bishop, who knew of
O'Connor's reputation, was in attendance to check up-on him.

"My dear brethren," Father O'Connor began, "this morning I'd like to talk
about The Last Supper."

Not bad, though the Bishop. Safe enough ground.

"Now, the lesson to be learned from The Last Supper, where Christ knew He'd
been betrayed, is that the sin of betrayal is the worst sin of all. A sin
never forgiven by God or man," thundered Father O'Connor.

Fair enough, thought the Bishop.

"Christ looked around at His apostles. 'Was it you Peter, who betrayed me?'
He asked."

"Not I My Lord," answered Peter.

"Was it you John?"

"Not I My Lord."

"Christ asked each of them in turn and finally came to Judas, who was
sitting at the end of the table, his head bowed. Was it you, Judas, who
betrayed me? asked Christ, and Judas responded,

"Wot? Me? Not on yer bloody life, Mi'lud."

The Bishop fainted

Thank to Larry Jordan, ex Dub from Summerhill and Marino now living in San Francisco

In the first 20 years of their marriage Barney and Mary Maloney remained
childless. It was not from the want of trying. Indeed, they tried regularly
and spent a small fortune lighting candles in their parish church in
Macroom, County Cork.

In their 21st tear of marriage "a miracle happened," as Barney would later
call it when they were blessed with a baby boy. They were so grateful their
prayers had finally been answered that they named their baby "Jesus."

By the time baby Jesus Maloney was twelve years old he had become a star
pupil and a scholar in all subjects except music. When his school's choir
was invited to sing for the pope in the Vatican the parish priest invited
Jesus to accompany the choir knowing that Jesus could not sing. "It'll be a
way of honoring the young lad's talent and academic achievement," said the
parish priest.

As the pope made his way along the assembled line of choirboys, he greeted
each standing lad until he came to the end of the receiving line, where
Jesus Maloney was sitting. "What's this?" the pope enquired of the parish
priest.

"Ah, begging your pardon, your Holiness," answered the priest, "but Jesus
Maloney don't sing."

Said the pope, "Well, for Christ sake he could stand up."

So an American Protestant gets in a drinking contest in Ireland and, of course, loses. Later, he staggers into the local church and heads for the confession booth. The priest waits for the guy to start talking...and waits. Finally, the priest gently raps on the wall, and the guy responds, "We're both out of luck, buddy. There's no paper here either."

Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men in town, and complete shites both of 'em. They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite. And that was just for starters.

"Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say "Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."

"Seamus O'Malley was a mean-spirited, spiteful, penurious, lying, cheating, arrogant and hateful excuse for a human being. But compared to his brother, Mike,...Seamus O'malley was truly a saint."

The old priest was becomin' faint of heart and overly upset at the mention of "adultery" in the confession. He gently suggested to the flock that they say that they had "fallen" instead. He'd know what they meant and it wouldn't be so distressing.

After a few weeks, the new priest paid a visit to the mayor. "Y've got to do something about the sidewalks and curbs, Mr. Mayor. I'm alarmed at how many parishoners report to me that they've fallen of late."

Paddy and Brigid had been courting for 30 years, and decided it was time
to marry. When Paddy saw the Monsignor to make the arrangements, he
admitted that all of the liturgical changes had him confused, and that
he worried about the effect on the ceremony.
"Well," Monsignor responded, "You can have the old rite if you want -
but it's so cold and formal! Now, with the NEW rite, there is WARMTH,
and LOVE, and real PARTICIPATION. So, were I you, Pat, I'd take the new
one." Every obedient, Paddy agreed.
On his wedding day, Paddy was driving to the church alone when he got a
flat tire. He quickly removed his jacket, shirt and tie, rolled his
trouser legs to the knees, and fixed the tire. By then he was quite
late, and, in his haste, though he remembered to fix the rest of his
clothing, he left his trouser legs as they were.
Fearing Brigid would think he'd stood her up after 30 years, Paddy
rushed into the church, quite breathless. Monsignor, seeing the state of
Paddy's attire, stage whispered to him, "Paddy! Pull down your trousers,
now!"
The indignant Paddy replied, "Father, I'll take the old rite!"

Elizabeth G. Melillo, PhD - "Gloriana"
Internet Designer

Finnegan, drunk as usual, staggers into Church, enters the confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The good Father coughs a few times to get his attention, but Finnegan just sits there. Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall.

Finnegan yells, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

St, Brendan was supervising the monks who were saving civilization by copying the world's manuscripts in their little beehive huts. He noted, however, that many were being copied from copies rather than the original texts. So, he went and investigated some of these tomes.

49.
Son Of A Bitch Fish

A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the
last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and
proceeded to reel it in. The guide holding a net, yelled
"Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" Son,
I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!
No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a
Bitch fish!
Really? Well help me land this Son of a Bitch!
Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster.
Father, that is the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen.
Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.
What should I do with it? Why eat it of course. You've
never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch!
Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While
unloading his gear, and his prize catch, Sister Mary
inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
It's ok Sister. That's what kind of fish it is. A Son
of a Bitch fish!
Oh, well then what are you going to do with that big
Son of a Bitch?
Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares
to the taste of a Son of a Bitch.
The Sister informed the priest that the Pope was
scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should
fix the Son of a Bitch for dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
What are you doing Sister?
Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for
the Pope's dinner. Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset!
Please watch your language!
No, no, no. It's called a Son of a Bitch fish. Really.
Oh, well in that case I'll fix up a great meal and that
Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've
finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.
On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was
perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal, there was
wine, and the fish was excellent.
The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the sister.
The Pope sat silent in disbelief.
And the friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a
Bitch, using a special recipe!"
The Pope looked at each of them. Slowly a big smile
creeped across his face, and he said....
"You fuckers are alright!!"

Thanks to Larry Jordan

Sister Brigid was teaching her young students one day and she asked each ofthem what they would like to be when they grew up. She came to a little girl who responded, "When I grow up I want to be a prostitute." Shocked, good Sister Brigid fainted on the spot. Her students rushed to revive her. When she came around, Sister asked the little girl, "What did you say you wanted to be when you grew up?" The little girl replied, "A prostitute." "Oh thank goodness," the relieved nun replied "I thought you said a Protestant."

The Missing Rooster
The Priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.

"No, no", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.

"No, no", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Hs anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.

"No, no", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the nuns stood up, (and half the alter boys).

Father O'Malley got up one fine spring morning and walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation
went something like this: "What a grand morinin it is. This is Sgt. Flaherty! How might I help ye?"

"This is Father O'Malley at St.Bridget's. There's a jackass lying dead on me front lawn. Would ye mind sending a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sgt.Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit so the rest of the conversation proceeded: "Well, now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Old Seamus Flattery is upstairs dying and the neighbor women are
downstairs with Seamus' wife cooking for the wake. The neighborhood men
are out in the back passing a pint and the priest is coming every three
hours to say the rosary.

But old Seamus comes out of his coma and calls weakly for his wife:
"Johanna, Johanna ... "

Downstairs one of the ladies hears him and says to Johanna: "It's
himself, he's calling for you."
So, Johanna climbs upstairs quickly and comes in the room.

Johanna: "Oh Seamus me darling what it is?"
Seamus: "Is that a ham I smell cooking down there?"
Johanna: "Oh aye it tis indeed - a fine big ham."
Seamus: "And did you put the cloves to it and cover it with mustard?"
Johanna: "Oh aye, its just the way you like it."
Seamus: "And would you be after cutting me a small piece?"
Johanna: "Oh Seamus you always was such a joker - we're saving the ham
for your wake!"

Mother Superior at the Convent of St Agnes got all of the nuns together for
a little meeting, for something had come up. She said, "Sisters, we've
discovered a case of syphilis in the house!" Whereupon little sister Mary
Catherine clasped her hands together and fell to her knees and exclaimed,
"Oh, thank the Lord! We've all been getting so tired of Chardonnay!"

The Retired Irishmen

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher

So...Sister Mary and sister Philomena, two Irish nuns who haven't been on holiday since god knows when, decide to go on a little trip together to Transylvania. They get off the flight and rent a little car to go motor around the countryside. They haven't been driving for 5 minutes when a tiny vampire jumps on to the cars hood ornament. "Sister Philomena" says sister Mary, "there's a little vampire on the hood. What shall I do?" "Oh No." says sister Philomena, "Drive faster. Sister Mary slams it into 6th and they fly off down the road. The little vampire looses his grip and rolls up the hood and on to the windscreen, grabbing hold of the wipers in the nick of time." oh gosh" says Mary, "now he's on the wipers, what'll I do?" "Turn the wipers on fast!" says Philomena. So there they are ripping down a little dirt road in the sun with the wipers on. "He's not comming off!" Says Mary. "Spray 'im With the sprayers!" Suggests Philomena. On go's the water and the tine vampire's soaking wet and grinning at them with him little teeth going back and forth and back and forth. "He's still there!" says sister Mary. "Show him your cross," says sister Philomena, "show him your cross!" So sister Mary rolls down her window and leans out and says, "Feck off your little bugger!"