90s white cards

Sucking the President's dick.
A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, and my libido.
Sunny D! Alright!
Stabbing the shit out of a Capri Sun.
Wearing Nicolas Cage's face.
Deregulating the mortgage market.
The Y2K bug.
Kurt Cobain's death.
Freeing Willy.
Liking big butts and not being able to lie about it.
The Great Cornholio.
Pure Moods, Vol. 1.
Jerking off to a 10-second RealMedia clip.
Log.™
Yelling "girl power!" and doing a high kick.
Pamela Anderson's boobs running in slow motion.
Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time.
Angels interfering with an otherwise fair baseball game.
Getting caught up in the CROSSFIRE.™
Patti Mayonnaise.
Cool 90s up-in-the-front hair.
Several Michael Keatons.
A bus that will explode if it goes under 50 miles per hour.


90s black cards

How did Stella get her groove back?
Believe it or not, Jim Carrey can do a dead-on impression of ______.
It's Morphin' Time! Mastodon! Pterodactyl! Triceratops! Sabertooth Tiger! ______!
Tonight on SNICK: "Are You Afraid of ______?"
I'm a bitch,  I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a ______.
Siskel and Ebert have panned ______ as "poorly conceived" and "sloppily executed."
Up next on Nickelodeon: "Clarissa Explains ______."


Holidays 2012 white cards

A toxic family environment.
A visually arresting turtleneck.
Another shitty year.
Eating an entire snowman.
Elf cum.
Gift-wrapping a live hamster.
Immaculate conception.
My hot cousin.
Pretending to be happy.
Santa's heavy sack.
Several intertwining love stories featuring Hugh Grant.
Socks.
Space Jam on VHS.
Taking down Santa with a surface-to-air missile.
The Star Wars Holiday Special.
The tiny, calloused hands of the Chinese children that made this card.
Whatever Kwanzaa is supposed to be about.


Holidays 2012 black cards

After blacking out during New Year's Eve, I was awoken by ______.
Every Christmas, my uncle gets drunk and tells the story about ______.
Jesus is ______.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: three French hens, two turtle doves, and ______.
This holiday season, Tim Allen must overcome his fear of ______ to save Christmas.
Wake up, America. Christmas is under attack by secular liberals and their ______.
What keeps me warm during the cold, cold winter?


Holidays 2013 white cards

Giving money and personal information to strangers on the Internet.
A magical tablet containing a world of unlimited pornography.
These low, low prices!
Piece of shit Christmas cards with no money in them.
Moses gargling Jesus's balls while Shiva and the Buddha penetrate his divine hand holes.
The Hawaiian goddess Kapo and her flying detachable vagina.
The shittier, Jewish version of Christmas.
Making up for 10 years of shitty parenting with a PlayStation.
Swapping bodies with mom for a day.
Slicing a ham in icy silence.
Finding out that Santa isn't real.
Rudolph's bright red balls.
The Grinch's musty, cum-stained pelt.
Breeding elves for their priceless semen.
Jizzing into Santa's beard.
The royal afterbirth.
A simultaneous nightmare and wet dream starring Sigourney Weaver.
Being blind and deaf and having no limbs.
People with cake in their mouths talking about how good cake is.