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Guilty man assists police with their inquiries

Streaker photocopies arse for resume

Standup comedian asks crowd member where he's from

Scientists discover link between daffodils and cancer

Stern cigarette health warning fails to deter 100 millionth smoker

Musketeer controversy: D'Artagnan to pursue solo career

Grudging apology sounds like insult

Fascist trains fail to run on time

Burmese govt admits Myanmar renaming campaign hasn't taken off

Word "dude" officially no longer cool

Viewer momentarily distracted by newsbar

Swiss driver can't get out of neutral

Student's report card has nine straight satisfactorys

Second-hand music store alphabetises CDs

Air conditioners hit by exotic French foreign legionnaire's disease

Weeping statue of Virgin Mary "feeling much better"

Boyfriend has to wait only 20 minutes for girlfriend to get ready

Oscar the grouch moves into skip after winning Lotto

Hunt for remote control reaches day 297

TV execs run out of names for renovation shows

Man can't tell difference between English breakfast and Irish breakfast

Studies show all the best people ignore show and just read newsbar

8-year old learns violin of own free will

Critic dubs Barwick primary school year 5 play "best production of hair ever"

Acne cream works on teenager

Scientists develop hippie-repelling Sergeant Pepper spray

Cricket banner features lame pun

DNA samples prove murderer has DNA

Gay closet comes out of itself

Bin Laden agrees to return to NY if "fair trial" can be guaranteed < img src="/cnnnn/newsbar/cnnnn_logo.gif" /> Man tells two Bond films apart - something to do with actors

Old person buys DVD player

Ethnic comedian funny because she's ethnic

Britney Spears names rain man star Dustin Hoffman "autist of the millennium"

Most AFL fans still gaining pleasure from Carlton's wooden spoon

New Home & Away cast member tipped to be 16, fresh-faced & blonde

DJ starts playing song before listener's finished requesting it

ugly slob made more attractive because of beer he drinks

"Young Lions" placed on endangered series list

Eco-conscious interrogator uses energy-saving bulb in lamp

Iraq agrees to admit UN parking inspectors

Character in movie wakes from nightmare and sits bolt upright

American loud

Nostalgic bacteria longs for the good old microseconds

Packer magazines likely to go easy on Jamie's new relationship

Psychotic gains respite after voices in head contract laryngitis

Guy fancies best mate's girlfriend

Nation forgets name of the band that was the one after Bardot

Vegetarian ruins banquet order for everybody else

Labor party thrashed in national "Simon Says" championships

ABC's Alston farewell party tipped to include more partying than farewelling

Guy convinced he could convert most lesbians

Non-Italian man uses Italian accent to order macchiato

Aphrodisiac made from endangered species

Australian Hollywood star pretends she still calls Australia home

Man who cheats on girlfriend furious when she cheats on him

Twelfth Man working on brand new album of same old jokes

Heart attack not best form of self-defence

Newsbar proofreader lets gaurd down

Reality show bears no resemblance to reality whatsoever

Consulting firm advises company to slash jobs so they can pay its fees

Non-pianist performs 'chopsticks'

Cabinet reshuffle leaves clothes in a mess

Perpetually single guy tries to make it look like his choice

Mick Jagger continues to age disgracefully

Stanislavsky-trained serial killer wonders what his motivation is

Howard reshuffles ministry, Crean reshuffles deckchairs on titanic

North Indian Diner customer orders butter chicken

Restaurant pianist plays third straight Andrew Lloyd-Webber piece

School uniform unflattering

Infomercial applause track pre-recorded

Last laugh had by person who commissioned 'Becker'

Cast of new Australian comedy show likely to include Glenn Robbins

72-year-old dies belatedly of cot death

TAFE lecturer still describing herself as an "academic"

Obese man convinces himself that value meal upsize is better deal

Artwork accused of having ulterior motif

Chinese schoolkids give each other Australian burns

Celebrity chef eating 2-minute noodles for dinner again

Beefeater has shocking hat hair

Tardis able to fit surprising number of crappy special effects inside

Gravedigger wishes to be cremated

Anti-terror exercise creates more terror than normal terrorists

The Vines go wild and crazy as required by record contract

Obsessive compulsive obsessed with curing himself

FCUK admits it ran out of clever puns on word 'fuck' years ago

Parent suspects Bob Marley song may really be about marijuana

Long distance call mostly spent noting that it must be costing caller a fortune

Disneyland still waiting on formal UN recognition

Ad featuring former league stars sinks to new Lowes

Priest hearing confession jealous of parishioner's sex life

Seafood restaurant owner admits he has crabs

Dr Dre called in to perform emergency surgery on beat

Adulterer celebrates 10th year of "getting a divorce"

Tim Brooke-Taylor still unable to live down 'Goodies' character

Angry Buddhist lights incensed stick

'Kath & Kim's ratings soar thanks to CNNNN being after it

Diet pill just laxative

Theatresports player thinks everything improvised is funny

Mediocre blowjob endured out of politeness

Pop lyric makes no sense

Unfunny comedy routine declared satire

Couple keen not to have kids due to lifestyle, infertility

Port-a-loo placed alongside Port-a-bidet

Vatican snack foods develops Pope Tarts

Man claims to only watch Channel 9 for 'The Sopranos'

Larry Emdur troubled by lingering sense of emptiness

Car lover gets penis stuck in exhaust

Newspaper owned by billionaire pretends to take battlers' side

New Ben Elton book about topical issue from last year

Audience worried Carlos Santana solo may never finish

Nowhere to hang anything up in fitting room

Drunken CNNNN writers in newsbar brawl

Madonna's children's book tipped to contain photos of graphic sex

Newsbar item ends abruptl

Baby elephant tipped to be next big thing

Led Zeppelin tour fails to get off the ground

Punk band only feigning anger

Barista getting tired of daily grind

Unsuccessful fencer can't help thinking gun would be more efficient

Elvis impersonator dies on toilet

Teen cancer patient undergoes treatment to remove Andrew Denton

Scientologist gullible

Patriarchy upgrades to double-glazed ceiling

Scriptwriters begin work on 'American Pie: the bottom of the barrel'

Woman happy to play second fiddle in London symphony orchestra

CIA hires Jayson Blair to write its intelligence reports

Baby upset that dad speaks to him in patronising baby voice

Dominic Knight beginning to give up hope of appearing in CNNNN series two

Woman sits through movie credits to see where film was shot

Meat Loaf sounds better after being refrigerated

Battered fish has chips on its shoulder

Man not sure how to break up relationship with parents

'Tomato'-'Tomayto' debaters decide to call whole thing off

Man mildly fond of Raymond

'Free offer' actually not free when you think about it

Young MC now performing as Middle-Aged MC

Parent secretly dislikes own child

First mobile bill reveals plan not as good a deal as it seemed

Chaser NonStop News Network to stop after this episode

Dwarf takes out limbo contest yet again

Guy who works in finance tells every woman in bar how much he earns

Woman makes special point of sitting in front seat of taxi

Tardy Italian waiter brings caffe late

CBD skateboarder finally lands a trick

Family recipe passed down with decreasing enthusiasm

Shops either side of coin laundry sick of giving out change

Movie about college fraternity lost on Australian audience

Comedian visits Mosh website to see what people think of him

Politicians vote to grant themselves super-duperannuation

Joe Dolce tribute band desperate for second song to pad out gig

Optimistic ALP to use 'Howard's End' campaign theme for third straight election

P-platers win Channel 9's national drink driving test

Joke about pancake tossing falls flat

Artist formerly known as Prince now artist formerly known as any good

Fiancee secretly hates partner's choice of engagement ring

Goth bride and groom exchange nose rings

Banana bread somehow unlike both bananas and bread

Australia's biggest dole bludger now earning steady income from 'ACA', 'Today Tonight' appearances

Marcel Marceau accused of miming at recent concert

FIFA culls Socceroos

Dorothy Parker admired by someone who's never read her work

Persian rug store regrets updating name to Iranian rug store

Passive-aggressive man sits back threateningly

Even Wiggles beginning to tire of 'Hot Potato' song

Renaissance nudes not as good as 'Hustler', concludes teen

Office worker spends entire day emailing

Seismological survey turns out to be on shaky ground

Cast of 'friends' now asking for $1 million each per line

Guy's entire wardrobe hated by girlfriend

Manga film plot incomprehensible even to Japanese audience

Texan environmentalist invents solar-powered electric chair

Newsbar writer tries to get word 'cunt' on television

Shitty weather grudgingly acknowledged as "good for farmers"

Pat rafter named Bermudan of the year for tax purposes

Qantas inflight magazine profiles Buenos Aires yet again

Darren Gough retires from being too injured to play for England

Wireless Internet dramatically improves nerd's social life

Diva insists on 7th curtain call despite audience leaving

Faulty pokie gives punter fair chance

Natasha Ryan "kind of missing" the cupboard

Passing bushwalkers give each other mandatory nod

Buying train ticket from machine takes longer than queuing at window

Man relieved to get first fart of new relationship out of the way

Culkin brothers now officially outnumbering Baldwin brothers

Computer industry already warning of Y3k bug

Man on date hopes giving to beggar will help him get sex

Pessimistic 3M analysts predict sticky end

Poached eggs stolen

Bandanna not as fashionable as wearer thinks

Diff'rent Strokes guy finally works out what Willis was talking about

Macdonald's corners monk market with Gregorian Big Mac chant

Turkish filmstars walk down Persian red carpet

Deeply personal attack softened by "present company excluded"

N.M.E. critic unable to admit he enjoys Robbie Williams

Feminist opinion piece cites 'Sex and the City' to support argument

Hotel guest steals miniature toiletries but never uses them

Dodgy Chinese restaurant introduces Yuk Cha menu

Newly single man tells himself right to keep toilet seat up will compensate for lack of sex

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Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into backpacker bar

Rising petrol prices see kids sniffing natural gas

League fan now denies ever being interested in 2002 soccer world cup

Picky beggar still a chooser

Japanese characters on western clothes now as cool as western characters on Japanese clothes

Cockroaches, Richard Wilkins' hair tipped to survive nuclear holocaust

Beginner web designer still on htm-L plates

Man regrets sending condolence card with humorous risque cartoon

80s hit not yet revived as tepid dance track

Kirk Cameron caught watching old tapes of 'Growing Pains'

Occam's Razor now comes with lubricating strip

Overly honest girlfriend tries to comfort dumped boyfriend by saying "It's not you, it's this other guy I'm seeing"

Overbooking of guests on 'Rove Live' leads to multiple personality disorder

High school student can't believe T.S. Eliot understood, like, exactly the way he feels

Bear denied kiss due to post-hibernation breath

Man worried what new girlfriend might make of his Star Wars undies

Ten soon to screen 1,000,000th repeat episode of 'The Simpsons'

Newsbar item derived from obscure real-live observation

Nutter on public transport unnerved by even bigger nutter

Solo cook spoils broth

Musical retard thinks he's a bongo maestro

Tour bus driver's jokes draw lukewarm response

Gym membership expires before being used

Stand-up comedian retires to become heckler

Twin senses brother's lack of E.S.P.

Peter Andre autograph less valuable today than collector hoped

Film critic unsure if John Malkovich is great or terrible actor

Hermaphrodite sexually harasses themself

John Farnham already thinking about another 'Last Time' tour

Drunk man writes stupid idea on back of coaster

Old lady applies make-up to buy milk

Hotmail address receives non-spam email

Rapper loves booty

Journalist admits he got his career direction from 'press gang'

Kournikova defeated during social hit with friends

Nerd couple take romantic walk along beach while holding handhelds

Cherry Ripe manufacturer regrets release of Prune Ripe

Comedian badly overestimates lifespan of his John Hopoate material

Difference between flat white and latte discussed on coffee date

Retro caveman dresses like monkey

Man clearly thinking of ex-girlfriend during sex

Foreign movie star loves Australia

Gym junkie wears sleeveless top in subzero conditions

Bird watcher accused of storking

Commuter celebrates 10 years of avoiding eye contact

Channel 7 secretly grooming Squires to take over 'Wheel'

Pretentious git takes up yachting

Diesel shirt more polluting than LPG equivalent

Colonel Sanders court-martialled for 'mashies' ad

Gideon tired of forgetting his bible in hotel rooms

Anthony Mundine given long odds against shadow boxer

Radio DJ tries to find link between song he just played and topic he's talking about

Management consultant unable to explain what she does for a living

Advertised "huge DVD sale" turns out to only apply to Westerns, Adam Sandler movies

Adult at restaurant secretly desperate to order pink lemonade

Law graduate does token stint at community legal centre before joining top firm

Teen movie features gratuitous shower-perving scene

UK tabloid releases exclusive first pics of Diana's rotting skeleton

Infomercial product less impressive when delivered

Number one dance hit ousted by almost identical track

Man unsure exactly why Microsoft is so bad

Tenpin bowling commentator struggles to feign enthusiasm

Name of ski trail more imposing than trail itself

Cup of urine contains traces of peanuts

Second-hand car tired of being used

Parents delighted daughter no longer prostitute, now 'sex industry worker'

Crazy John and Crazy Ron in crazy lawsuit

Glamour shots on barber shop wall date from 1980s

Man drunk on Bundy unable to pick up despite tips from imaginary polar bear

Jamie Packer watches 'Sirens', wonders what other two chicks were like

Frequent flyer ignores safety demonstration

Teen caveman covers cave wall with angsty carvings

People in early photographs indistinguishable

Aristocrat pokies actually not very classy

Movie computer makes blip sounds that real computers don't

Touch judge claims he never really wanted to be main ref

Green bottles found hanging on wall

Ice-cream activist reclaims word 'Gaytime'

University student encourages girls to embrace free love

Backpacker selects Bob Marley at pub jukebox

Newspaper's higher education supplement not even read at universities

Snow season turns Thredbo house into chalet

Blushing man claims not to be embarrassed

South Wales brands NSW a "cheap knockoff"

Motivational tapes motivate buyer to want money back

Flintstones car proves impractical

Born-again Christian's faith dies again

Bouncer at rave loved by all

Bangkok visitor automatically assumed to be sex tourist

Plastic champagne flutes fail to add touch of class to picnic

Parents play daughter's favourite ringtone at funeral

Ballroom dancers injured at IKEA ballroom

Newspaper admits it made up latest al Qaeda threat story to cover slow news day

'Fletch Lives' not as good as 'Fletch'

AFL fan incapable of normal conversation during September

Venetian office of blind society getting tired of the jokes

Revolutionary miracle diet only advertised on telegraph poles

Study shows price of present counts more than the thought

Pot smoker can't be bothered campaigning for legalisation

Lecturer sets reading from own textbook

Graffiti tag legible

Male feminist speaks on behalf of all women

Cancer wastes all of worker's sickies

Colston claims hearse hire on parliamentary travel allowance

Law student revue makes really telling point about arts students

Australia still ravaged by droughts, gelato bars

Grammar masseur helps clients to get past tense

Motorist interprets speed limit as rough guide

Child underwhelmed by Big Banana

Complimentary Pepsi devalues meal

Superficial person not worried that people think he's shallow

Person only bigoted when writing on toilet wall

Christian scientist knows surprisingly little about periodic table

Drama student mistakes unintelligible yowling for acting

Hairdresser recommends use of ridiculous colour

Eddie McGuire tells dinner guests they'll find out how anecdote ends right after this toilet break

'New weekly' reader looks just as you'd expect

Man nostalgic about eucalyptus taste of aim toothpaste

Boxer who lets his fists do the talking not a good conversationalist

Paper company posts paper losses

Poor organiser silences critics with successful piss-up at brewery

Microsoft starts paying staff in Monopoly money

Adrian Mole turns 33¼

Epidemic aspires to become pandemic

Anthony Mundine's girlfriend dubbed 'the woman'

Antique watch repaired with second-hand second hand

Loudness of hotted-up engine matched only by hotted-up car stereo

Bum cuts back to 30 cigarette butts per day

Impossible to tell if public art has been vandalised

R.B.T. still a bit scary even for sober drivers

Collingwood supporter has correct number of chromosomes

Study finds most hookers do not look like Julia Roberts

Japanese greenies chain themselves to bonsai trees

San Andreas Fault loses no-fault claim

One of Colonel's eleven secret herbs & spices suspected to be salt

Alcoholic feels less self-conscious on red nose day

Praying mantis masturbates, eats own head

Middle manager prides himself on using "executive stationery"

Crap computer labelled "retro" in 'trading post'

Early bird waits for other birds to show up

Christopher Reeve receives sitting ovation at spinal injury forum

Unsuccessful band claims successful band has sold out

Police drop charges against Wilbur Wilde: case of mistaken nonentity

Man perfects answering machine message over several takes

Efforts to like mother-in-law fail

Game show host not actually interested in contestant's occupation

White suit spotted outside film clip

Gay man asserts some of his best friends are homophobic

Spare key found in obvious place

IVF baby develops Oedipyrex complex

God takes own name in vain

Disillusioned actress wants to become waitress

Cruise ship passenger a little tired of buffets

Hair stylist delivers the hairstyle asked for

Pokie win followed by bigger loss

Teen devises intricate plan for condom purchase

Bit actor in movie is the guy from that other movie no-one remembers

Motorist suspects car servicing bill calculated entirely randomly

Stripper worried Warne association will give her a bad name

Five-year reunion reminds woman why she hated school

Scientist alleges Energizer Bunny ads may not have been impartial

Expensive patisserie item just flaky pastry

Snowboarder lost in own pants

Saturday paper too big to fit on trendy cafe table

Study finds girls made of sugar, spice, skin tissue, bones, organs

Diner nods OK to waiter regardless of sampled wine's quality

Jockey has funny high little voice

40- year-old non-smoker looks 30

Bachelor insists 9-year relationship still "only casual"

Old days incorrectly remembered as good

Pauline Hanson classified as maximum insecurity prisoner

Man torn over whether to forward funny chain email

Dwarf actor uses stunted stunt man

Girl's plan to keep a journal lasts only five weeks

Jazz band actually five musicians playing different tunes

Student's "world trip" focuses entirely on Europe

Wrestler goes by real name

Singing drummer uncomfortable with Phil Collins comparison

Indecisive doctor gives second opinion

Govt requires petrol sniffers to sniff 10% ethanol

Antarctica swelters in -1 degree scorcher

Collingwood supporter overly fond of 'hot pies' pun

Couple exchange marriage vows by SMS